Holy crap, I'm going to be fifty in 5 months. When I just looked through my previous blogs, some going back to when I was just about 40, on the surface nothing is different, other than a lot more fibromyalgia issues. That scares me. What can I do to change things? How do I gain control of my life? My depression? My anxiety? My symptoms? Me?????
Turning 40, planned a great party only wouldn't be there. Spending the day in the ER in Framingham with Judy, while Ali & Geri took over running things for me. SVT...heart racing 180-200. Cute ER doc, that was about it. Promised myself I'd change...& now I'm in far worse shape as I turn 40.
OK, enough wallowing. What's different...me. Deep down, way down, way far down, me. I'm through lying about the intensity of symptoms. I'm done lying to Brian about what I've done. I'm through watching Katie grow up & away. I'm finished lying to myself about all of it. What's different, I don't feel guilty about any of it, I'm excited.
This happened in 2 very simple parts; a question & a party.
First, a question was posed at Rena's 50th birthday party. Sue has always had great pearls of wisdom about parenting that she has shared through the years. We were talking & she asked a simple 2 part question. "How are you going to define yourself when Katie goes to college? What are you going to do with your time?" My initial knee jerk reaction was to say I hated her. That thought had sort of crossed my mind, especially with all of the college mail that has suddenly appeared, but I was thinking more about the time I have left, not the time after. I was shell-shocked, but I didn't know there was hope ahead.
Second, I went to an after-party that same night. Steve completely redid their basement, still "holding" Carol & Jeff's pool table & dogs playing poker tapestry. At first it was mostly about walking around continuing to talk to people, but all of a sudden, something was different. We were all back at Triangle, in the basement, at a party...only MUCH cleaner. The guys were playing pool or darts, some were at the bar/tap, music playing, & the rest were drinking, talking, & laughing. I became actually giddy, with Brian asking if I was drunk a few times (nope).
All of a sudden I was in my 20s, before my health took a huge nosedive, before my life took off. I was full of promise. I was with my "peeps" in my happy place. So how do I keep this? Wishing I could bottle it, we drove home. I knew full well I would be in a flare the next day, but it was really, really worth it.
Turning 40, planned a great party only wouldn't be there. Spending the day in the ER in Framingham with Judy, while Ali & Geri took over running things for me. SVT...heart racing 180-200. Cute ER doc, that was about it. Promised myself I'd change...& now I'm in far worse shape as I turn 40.
OK, enough wallowing. What's different...me. Deep down, way down, way far down, me. I'm through lying about the intensity of symptoms. I'm done lying to Brian about what I've done. I'm through watching Katie grow up & away. I'm finished lying to myself about all of it. What's different, I don't feel guilty about any of it, I'm excited.
This happened in 2 very simple parts; a question & a party.
First, a question was posed at Rena's 50th birthday party. Sue has always had great pearls of wisdom about parenting that she has shared through the years. We were talking & she asked a simple 2 part question. "How are you going to define yourself when Katie goes to college? What are you going to do with your time?" My initial knee jerk reaction was to say I hated her. That thought had sort of crossed my mind, especially with all of the college mail that has suddenly appeared, but I was thinking more about the time I have left, not the time after. I was shell-shocked, but I didn't know there was hope ahead.
Second, I went to an after-party that same night. Steve completely redid their basement, still "holding" Carol & Jeff's pool table & dogs playing poker tapestry. At first it was mostly about walking around continuing to talk to people, but all of a sudden, something was different. We were all back at Triangle, in the basement, at a party...only MUCH cleaner. The guys were playing pool or darts, some were at the bar/tap, music playing, & the rest were drinking, talking, & laughing. I became actually giddy, with Brian asking if I was drunk a few times (nope).
All of a sudden I was in my 20s, before my health took a huge nosedive, before my life took off. I was full of promise. I was with my "peeps" in my happy place. So how do I keep this? Wishing I could bottle it, we drove home. I knew full well I would be in a flare the next day, but it was really, really worth it.
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